Pinoy Abroad First Time Back After Being in the States

by Anonymous

The country is beautiful. I enjoy the weather, the beach, just being out there. I got angry at my father for taking us here to the States for a long time. I still feel that way often. It is not the same here. I feel like my life is being sucked away here in the States.

I am 28 years old, male, and was born in the Philippines, Clark AFB (Air Force Base) in 1981. I did not go home until 2004, and have now been back 4 times. Despite not being home and living in the States since I was 4 or 6 months old, when I came back and the plane landed I said to myself I was "home".

There was no culture shock when I got off the plane and went back to where my mother lived. There was more admiration and respect than anything. I knew it was home even though I didn't know anybody there except close relatives. It was fixated in my mind the second that I arrived.

I have a good career, I am a Radiologic Technologist (I take x-rays, I've worked in hospitals and I work in a federal prison now taking x-rays on inmates) but everything feels so empty. It always does.

I even tried to find a way I can live there, work in the city, or anything to do. I bought books to try to at least learn Tagalog, but I'm having a hard time, I don't understand it too well. I know that pay is low and the life is hard, but I felt more alive there than 28 years here.

I forget what I have here in the States and realized numerous times that I didn't care what I had here. I feel frustrated because I don't know where to go or what to do. I can't sleep sometimes. I get angry...

I've been back 4 times to the Philippines now and went through a horrible period of anger, frustration, and depression after my third trip there in 2006. I was back again in 2009 when my grandfather died and was there in 2010 for his one year death anniversary.

I still have lasting frustrations that keep me awake until 3 a.m.